AN EPIDEMIC OF LONELINESS

I was about to give up and that's no light Corned and outside my window through his head Back sang songs so beautiful made me cry Took me back to a childhood dream full of burdened dreams from this one place I can't see very far and this one moment I'm square in there is a place in my life like Sarah Groves is singing where I can't see very far I can't have a good view sometimes it's a terrible view and that space is called lonely you know sometimes on this podcast we tell stories of particular people and do the microscopic thing this podcast we're gonna go for the 30,000 foot view telescoping a large thing into a smaller space for purposes of clarity so the other day I got a flu shot little pain in the shoulder I'm a guy but why get the shot flew to us today is bothersome last a few days we feel kind of puny but that's all that you you have all that you get if you get it at all but 101 years ago this month the scene was completely different come with me to Fort Riley Kansas March 4th 1918 here's the context world war one had dragged on for three and a half years since 1914 in eight months an armistice would be signed on November 11th 1918 in the woods near Paris and that would signal the end of the war but that war will have taken 10 million soldiers lives and another 10 million civilians so 20 million people died what was about to happen in Fort Riley and over the next two years would eclipse those casualties many times in that week at Fort Riley 500 young soldiers got the flu by all accounts they survived went to Europe but the strain of flu mutated and within two years 1918 1920 in that arrange 500 million people got the flu and up to 25 million people died in the first 25 weeks the only time that was worse than that was back in the 1300s over an eight-year period when the bubonic plague the black death swept Europe and 75 to 200 million people died or worse but that 1918 strain of flu may have killed 50 to 100 million people 3 to 5% of the world population one out of 18 people on the whole planet died you say are you kidding me this is a grim way to start a podcast well I'm just setting the context they called it the Spanish flu or the Spanish lady it wasn't because it started in Spain it was that in World War One Spain was neutral and therefore the media was uncensored and it was their media that told the world about the spread of this disease so what happened in any epidemic of this kind and it could be either extreme heat or extreme cold or some disease outbreak usually it has a much higher mortality rate among the very young and very old because they're naturally more vulnerable but modern analysis has shown that the Spanish flu virus was to be particularly deadly because it triggered what they call a cytokine storm I think I'm saying that correctly and cytokines are receptors that connect with our immune system or have impact on it and a hundred years ago when the Spanish lady showed up something happened with the cytokines and they ravaged the immune systems not particularly of the very young or the very old but young adults if you happen to have been a fan of the series Downton Abbey one of the newly married daughters of that central or aristocratic family in a heartbreaking scene dies of the Spanish flu what it did was it caught people in the prime of life here's my point I think the Spanish flu is a metaphor for a current epidemic that's all over the news it's in scores of publications and podcasts like this one psychological and medical journals and the words being used across the board is that one epidemic definition of epidemic affecting or tending to affect a disproportionately large number of individuals within a population community or region at the same time literally it's an outbreak of an illness what's our epidemic it's the epidemic of loneliness that in our day and age seems to be affecting younger people disproportionately these are prime of life people people like you everything to look forward to people my life is ahead of me people well let me just ask the question when in the last month have you had this feeling wow I'm lonely I'm I'm kind of disconnected I want to reflect on that phenomenon don't want to beat it into the ground but let me just reflect on it and then I want to share what I think are some antidotes medicine given to counteract a particular poison I want to share some antidotes about that we shouldn't be surprised that we get lonely back in the earliest part of the Torah God himself says in Genesis 218 it's not good for man or mankind to be alone what's interesting about loneliness it's not a virus in the in the traditional sense it's not a microbe that's going after you but in terms of impact on my physical being it's worse than obesity for our health it's as bad for your health and my health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day and you say what and nobody says oh lonely that's good no no no recently I went out and did sort of some man on the street interviews I just went up to folks and said I'm going to say a word and you say the first word that comes to your mind the word I said to them was lonely here are some of their responses isolated afraid broken scared sad distraught darkness sadness prisoners despair I was asked to come and teach a high school history class on about World War II and when the teacher asked me to come I said well you know I'm old but I I didn't serve in World War II I was born in World War II anyway I was telling them some stories about these young men and women who went to war and I said they were many of them were 18 years old and they were scared and they were lonely and so I just asked in the class I said when I ask you this word or say this word what of some of the words that come to mind and here's what they sort of shouted out in class pain roll out sadness sadness empty empty recently asked a couple of professional counselors what percentage of the people you speak with do you think have challenges or problems that are rooted in loneliness that have some connection and they both indicated or between the two of them they indicated somewhere between 35 and 60 percent so the question is what are some antidotes it's interesting there's a woman named Tracy Robel who did a thing called sidewalk talk listening project in San Francisco starting a few years back in the fall of 2014 two San Francisco therapists shared a vision to help heal that which divides us through the fine art of skill listening they gather 26 of their colleagues practiced listening skills and came up with a curriculum in a model for listening on the sidewalks of San Francisco together on May 7th 2015 for two hours in 12 locations throughout San Francisco listeners set up chairs and signs offering to listen to any passerby who wanted to be seen and heard the result was amazing when college students sat down and started to talk he said I spent all of my work all of my work life looking at screens I don't talk to anyone and he began to cry and he cried for 10 minutes that he said thanks I feel better got up and walked away now 3200 people are involved in this in 48 cities around the United States what is it about this epidemic of loneliness that triggers people to sit down on a sidewalk in a major city sit down on a chair and talk to a stranger for 10 or 15 minutes it's interesting the United Kingdom Britain has just established the office of a minister of loneliness is a report that of the 66 million people crammed into this island called great Britain or England smaller than state of Michigan about 9 million people report often or always feeling lonely one one study showed that about 200,000 elderly people in the UK had not had a conversation with a friend or a relative in over a month the American psychological association writes that up to 40% of Americans over the age of 45 suffer from chronic loneliness and they go on to say something we know being connected to others socially is widely considered a fundamental human need crucial to both well-being and survival and I keep hearing that echo from the Torah it's not good that man should be alone julienne hold lunch at a professor of psychology at Brigham Young University says this an increasing portion of the US population now experiences isolation regularly you say all right already I know this point made I knew that before I started listening to this podcast all of us pretty much know what lonely feels like and for every human being it's a sort of a stop now and again a station stop if you're on a train on this journey called life we might visit we just can't afford the price of living there we all know the moments where we have those station stops mine was as a junior in college as Christmas time my folks were struggling at their house so my home was kind of coming unraveled and I didn't want to go home for Christmas so I stayed on campus and essentially I was there by myself it was the loneliest time in my life when I asked those same folks the ones that I said responded this word lonely when I asked them what was a lonely time or one of the loneliest times in your life these are some of their responses when my dad was diagnosed with stage four stomach cancer feeling lonely because I was 1500 miles away from him when I transferred schools and I had no friends at the new school when my best friend left for the Air Force and I realized he was really my only friend family issues drug addiction when I realized I didn't belong to a group when I was struggling the most with my insecurities when my four best friends from high school all went to four different colleges I was at a ski resort and way far away from home and didn't know anybody and I stayed there for quite a while so that was lonely when my mom died when her son first saw us after four years in prison when I had to go through a terrible divorce so we don't need to describe it anymore right what are some antidotes what are some remedies vaccines if you will to this epidemic call loneliness mother Teresa is an iconic figure in world history some years ago when I was in Calcutta now Kolkata I had a chance to visit with her and it was a profound moment something she said not at that moment but in something at some other time captures this issue quote the most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved there is a poet author and theology professor who lives on Long Island she has her own podcasts and writings her name is Annabel Mosley and she had several thoughts nine or ten things that I found really helpful about okay how do you combat loneliness how do you get out of the pit as you will and I just want to read you a few of those maybe you recently moved and have had more trouble than expected meeting new people or perhaps you've noticed you barely know most of your social media quote friends and quote you may be a new parent and have realized your support group is smaller than you need you're feeling miserable lonely lost the good news is you have plenty of company well but knowing that isn't much help what are some practices that chase the loneliness away so here you go here are nine or ten things one spend less time on social media let's start with the most obvious it's depleting time consuming all too often a substitute for genuine and enriching human contact social media certainly has its place for keeping in touch but studies show that too much use of it can lead to feelings of insecurity competition and envy most importantly social media can leaving us feel emotionally cheated despite our dozens or hundreds of quote friends and quote virtual hugs and emojis I like emojis by the way virtual hugs and emojis are just no substitute for the real thing we in this generation and I'm I'm an old dude but it's true of of those of us who are at my age as well we're fatigued by the illusion the pretense the endless self marketing of selfies and status updates so spend less time on social media one antidote number two seek quality over quantity of friends as he hinted and author said if you have two friends in your lifetime you're lucky if you have one good friend you're more than lucky so here's the deal find and cherish some true confidant a best friend maybe a parent a sibling or a spouse but there's someone else out there who is great but needs the company of you this thought about friendship and you've heard heard me say this before I always used to think the friendship this is both now this is not Annabelle mostly I always thought the friendship was sort of a watered down version of love but when you read the scriptures and when you read Jesus he says no greater love has anyone for another person than to lay down his life for a friend doesn't say spouse doesn't say kids says for a friend and we we sort of do a deep dive into this in the book that Ruth and I wrote known finding deep friendships in a shallow world if you're not familiar with that you can go to the website known download it and encourage you to check it out number three in terms of antidotes is read classic books of quality read classic books of quality see as Lewis said I read to know I am not alone that is the power of a great book she goes on to say it's hard to feel lonely or anything but awesome when you grab a classic like pride and prejudice or the chronicles of narnia and sit by the fire your alone time becomes something to savor she goes on to say with each turn of the page you become as content as a habit in the shire I love that you know I tend to and again this is both I tend to like to watch murder mysteries I I don't know why that is but maybe it's that there are problems and they get solved but but those kind of shows or reality stuff aren't meant to feed the soul and it's likely you feel unfulfilled when they're over she's saying reruns of feel good shows little house in the prairie something silly that makes you belly left go there a few months ago I was visiting my great niece at a university in the midwest me had lunch and I said so what do you do for fun and she said you know some of my sweet mates my roommates and I tend to watch old movies from the 1940s and 50s where families actually sat around tables and ate together because it that's sort of a dream now it doesn't happen so much anywhere so that's number three read classic books of quality number four cultivate your own interests and about mostly says as my grandmother would globally say you have to be able to stand your own company so know what you like find something you like to do with you bonus points if you're able to cultivate a hobby I might just hitchhike here on occasion choose solitude let's just use this as sort of a battle lonely comes after us you know it's our default position when I was 17 years old at Cal Berkeley I took one semester of judo and they had this one principle you're grabbing onto the other guy's ghee that's a little jacket you wear and the key is if he pulls you you push him or if he pushes you you pull him you use the other person's momentum to your advantage when lonely is chasing you down and you decide to choose it we call that solitude I love what Paul Tillich says the theologian he articulated the distinction between alone or lonely and solitude my thoughts were to be clear alone is not the same as solitude alone just happens lonely just happens solitude is a choice this is what he said language has created the word loneliness to express the pain of being alone and it has created the word solitude to express the glory of being alone one is toxic while the other is life giving number five kindness to strangers I found this one fascinating holding doors and saying please and thank you and have a great day reminds you that you're connected to a wider community oftentimes I'll hold the door open for somebody and sometimes people say well I can do that and I say yeah but my mother would be proud of me if she saw me if she saw me doing this our ancestors Annabel says went to the marketplace and chatted connecting with their neighbors they sold and or purchased wears it's hard to feel lonely when you've just exchanged positive small talk with folks you might otherwise not have six ask questions and listen more than you talk this is hard for me because I'm a talker when you do have lunch with a friend or squeeze in a phone call listen and ask questions don't just spout this will do two things it'll take you outside of yourself a guaranteed loneliness buster and help your friend feel like calling you again number eight give to a charity your time talent or treasure can make all the difference to someone else it's impossible to feel lonely when you're giving number nine Annabel is a strong Catholic lady and so churches at the center for a universe and she says attend church I would I would buy that boom instant company of the best kind when you get regular in that kind of environment when you regularly connect the the the possibilities of not being lonely are better yes you can feel lonely in a crowd like that's the worst isn't lonely in a crowd but this increases your chances of not going there number ten practice works of mercy note that visit the sick includes elderly folks who might not be ill but too weak to get out much older people struggle with loneliness all the time and wonder if they're still relevant have a valuable place in this world let them know they do my mom when she was in her 90s she was a consummate pianist and organist she in her 90s would go to nursing homes into other kinds of facilities and she would play organ or piano recitals she said she was going to go play quote for those old people end quote another thing Annabel suggested is ancestry there's another track to quote the old people piece end quote and that is if you're interested in your own ancestry you know ancestry.com and 23 and me these are all platforms by which we research our lineage but what if you were to go to older members of your family and just ask them to tell you stories of their childhood or they're growing up years or some of the pivotal moments in your life not only does that keep you from loneliness it informs your place in history and solidifies how you see yourself as well as understanding them better there's another thing that a fellow named Nobel wrote having to do it was in a Harvard journal and it has to do with writing it says writing is an antidote to loneliness when people write about what's in their hearts and minds they feel better it isn't just that they're getting their troubles off their chest it provides a rewarding means of exploring and expressing feelings it allows you to make sense of the world you're experiencing and have a deeper understanding of how you think and gives you self-knowledge provides you with a stronger connection to yourself it's that connection that allows you to move past negative emotions like guilt and shame and instead access positive emotions like optimism or empathy the last thing Annabel mostly says is pray when you feel lonely wherever you are remember that Christ had all of his friends fall asleep on when he was the most lonely in the garden to get 70 you say well I'm listening to this thing but I both I don't believe in God you know I but what if you just tried an experiment what if you just prayed like this so God if you're there this is Harry this is Maria this and just give it a go and see what happened loneliness is a feeling that I think myself into I think that I'm separated from God so it feels like it I think I'm separated from my family so it feels like it when that happens I automatically start pulling back from those around me I start believing that I don't have purpose or place and if I don't have that then I don't have any value and I throw a pity party so let me be the grandfather for a moment here I'm a specialist in pity parties I've had a lot of pity parties over the years the challenge of throwing myself a pity party is that I'm the only one who comes so what can I start believing that changes my feelings of loneliness chases the loneliness out the door there are two or three scriptures ancient writings that I think speak to this there's a there's a particular one saying Paul writes to a community in Rome these are people under persecution they got all kinds of challenges and this is what he says you can if you're like a Bible person or you know the scriptures you can look this up even if you're not you can google it Romans 8 31 through 37 listen to how it reads because he's talking about the stuff that you're going through and he says what then shall we say in response to these things if God is for us who can be against us he who did not spare his own son but gave him up for us all how will he not also along with him graciously give us all things now there's more to it but let me make this suggestion why don't you find those verses and where there's a personal pronoun like us put your name in there so this is how it would read if I were reading it what then shall dick folks say in response to all these things if God is for both who can be against him he who did not spare his own son but gave him up for Richard Bruce both how will he not also along with him graciously give dick all things who will bring any charge against dick whom God has chosen it's God who justifies who then is the one who condemns no one Christ Jesus who died more than that who was raised to life is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for Richard both who shall separate dick from the love of Christ shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or broken family or getting old or social media I just threw that in there because those are the things that make us feel naked a lot of times it goes on to say no and all these things were more than conquerors through him who loved so take that passage plug in your name where there's a where there's a personal pronoun the other thing is you know in eating we can eat stuff that's bad for us we can eat those foods that are processed that any diet you read about says don't eat those those things so here's here's raw vegetables and real good protein and all of that found in Philippians the fourth chapter eighth verse finally brothers and sisters whatever is true whatever is noble whatever is right whatever is pure whatever is lovely whatever is admirable if anything is excellent or praiseworthy think about such things this isn't just about positive thoughts this is intentionally taking charge of one's life to think about things that have value and finally some words of Jesus in Matthew 28 19 where he's saying to his disciples he's sending them out he's going to be gone they're going to change the world so 2000 years down the pike here we are talking about it says look I am with you always even to the end of the age the most powerful words or phrase in that sentence are I am in the Greek it's the strongest possible form of expression the Greek it means it's ego-a-me and it means something that's solid it's the strongest form to express the name of God who's the great I am look I am with you always and it and the construct is really in the original really reads like this and look I with you am I used to read a guy named Jay said low backster who is a British theologian years ago and I was in college this is from him he says it this way you and I are in between the eye and the am and look I with you am he's not only with us he's all around us not only now and then but always all the days one more time to bring us into the here and now I had a conversation with an older fellow wonderful man and tossed out my word lonely and he said me when I then said what was one of the loneliest times in your life instantly he went to when he was young the night watch on the deck of a carrier when was that 1964 the durian on yes so I've never done this on a podcast but I'm going to close with a prayer this is my prayer and I encourage you to pray this with me God this is both or you can put your name in there I live in a real world surrounded by a virtual world help me not to let the virtual world win I want to be a real person with a real friend or two and real purpose thanks for being with me always so I'm going to practice chasing loneliness out the door so just before we wrap this podcast up I know I've said a lot of stuff today a lot of points scripture references all that kind of stuff it'll be in the podcast notes so if you're out jogging if you're in the gym if you're driving in your car don't sweat the small stuff like how can I remember all that we'll just put it in the notes so we kicked off this podcast with a song by my friend Sarah Gross she kindly allowed us to use this song today and it captures exactly the kind of feeling that we are trying to speak to and have tried to speak to and I just I just think she should sing us out I was about to give up and that's no lie yeah cornell ended outside my window through his head back sang songs so beautiful made me cry took me back to a childhood dream full of burden dreams from this one place I can't see very far and this one moment I'm square in the dark these are the things I will trust in my heart you can see something else something else I don't know it's making me so afraid tiny cloud over my head have you engraved with the into trend I don't like to feel this way take me back to windows seat with clouds beneath my feet from this one place I can't see very far and this one moment I'm square in the dark these are the things I will trust in my heart you can see something else something else from this one place I can't see very far and this one moment I'm square in the dark these are the things I will trust in my heart you can see something else you can see You can see something else, something else You can see, you can see something else You can see, you can see something else And sing a song, it was beautiful to be back to back